


sacrifice

by transbuck



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, amputee buck, post 2x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 14:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18852601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transbuck/pseuds/transbuck
Summary: In the long run, she’d rather have a legless brother than a dead one.





	sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> hell yea, fuck writers block yall!!!!  
> shout out to the discord, bc @nighting-gale17 sent me the concept for this fic and i had to run w it bc i could see it so clearly in my head  
> as usual, find me on tumblr @diazbuckley!! i hope yall enjoy some soft sibs!!!!

It was a no-brainer decision, really. Maddie’s the one who makes medical decisions for Buck when he can’t make them himself. He told her one day that she’s the only one he trusts with his life in that capacity. So when Maddie was told that Buck’s leg was crushed so badly that he’d need an amputation in order to live, obviously she was going to tell them to do it. In the long run, she’d rather have a legless brother than a dead one.

She realized, of course, that Buck would be unhappy about that decision. She knows that firefighting is his life. She knows that he has this preconceived notion that being a firefighter is the only thing that he’s good at—which is blatantly untrue, he’s good at more things than she can list. But according to Buck, firefighting is the only thing he manages to get right. And with one less leg, he really can’t be a firefighter anymore. Maddie realizes that that is going to break his heart, knowing that he has no choice but to leave his dream job behind, but ultimately, it’s a sacrifice that has to be made in order for her to still have her little brother around to tease.

Maddie’s been by Buck’s bedside since he got out of the surgery, holding his hand and praying to whatever God there is that he’ll wake up. Her eyes have hardly been able to drift away from where his leg once was. She tells herself that him having to lose it was just a small price to pay for him to live, but actually seeing it gone is… It’s trippy, to say the least.

Maddie has no idea how long she’s been there when Buck finally starts to wake up from the surgery. It has to have been a while because she’s been half asleep in her chair for probably about the past twenty minutes, but she’s unsure of how long it’s been since she first got into the tiny, sterilized room.

The first thing Maddie hears is quiet groaning from Buck’s direction. Some shifting around, probably the shifting of his hospital gown against the bed. She shoots up, eyes wide as she looks at Buck, who doesn’t seem to notice that she’s there yet. She squeezes his hand a little, says, “Evan?”

Buck flinches a little at that, clearly not expecting to not be alone, turns his head slowly toward Maddie. He breaks out into a smile that’s a little crooked, a little sleepy, but it’s still that signature Evan Buckley grin that Maddie thinks is so cute. “Mads?” he asks. Maddie’s sure he’s a little loopy from all the painkillers floating around in his system right now.

“Hey, little brother,” Maddie says gently, quietly, reaching up with one hand to gently push the messy curls out of Buck’s face. Her fingers linger a little on the cuts on the side of his face. “How you feeling?”

“Mm, heavy,” Buck murmurs, voice a little slurred. “Pretty sore, too.”

“Yeah, well, losing a leg probably makes you feel pretty sore,” Maddie says jokingly, trying to lighten the mood a little.

Buck must not have realized that he’s lost his leg, because his face falls at that. He stares at her with wide, confused eyes. “What are you talking about?” he asks, voice a little shaky. Concerned, almost. “What does that even mean?”

Maddie's heart breaks at the borderline panicked expression that finds its place on Buck's face. She thought he realized his leg was gone. If she knew that wasn't the case, she would have eased him into it a bit more—gently and slowly remind him what lead into the initial injury, carefully explain to him what decision she was asked to make and what the aftermath of that decision is. But it's too late for all that. “Oh, Evan, I’m so sorry,” Maddie says eventually, reaching up to gently cup Buck’s cheek.

“Sorry? Why are you sorry? What happened?” Buck asks frantically, getting more and more panicked by the second.

“Do you remember what happened? The firetruck crushing your leg?” Maddie asks quietly in an attempt to gauge what he does and doesn’t remember. Buck nods slowly. “Well, it was shattered so badly that the only option for your survival was to…” she trails off a little, getting a little choked up as she remembers making the decision. She still remembers how careful the doctor had been when asking her to decide what they should do. She still remembers how hesitant the doctor had been when she told her that amputation was the only way Buck could possibly hope to survive. It wasn’t a hard decision, by any means—she’d do anything to ensure her little brother’s survival. The effects of it are the hard part.

“To what, Mads?” Buck asks, sounding a little choked up himself.

Maddie hesitates for a moment, takes a deep breath to calm herself down. To say she’s scared about how Buck might react to finding out the end of that sentence would be a severe understatement. “To amputate your leg, Evan,” Maddie says finally, squeezing Buck’s hand tightly.

Buck doesn’t respond. Not verbally at least. With wide, panicked eyes, he throws the blanket covering his lower half off of him with his free hand. It takes him a moment to focus on the fact that he’s missing a leg, but Maddie’s sure that that moment comes at the same time that a sob is tearing out of Buck. “What? No. No, no, no, this isn’t real, this can’t be real,” Buck says quickly, chest heaving as his breathing starts to get erratic. “No, no, no, no, my leg can’t be gone, no, no, no!”

“Ev, come on, deep breaths little brother,” Maddie murmurs, putting on her ER Nurse voice as her hand drifts from Buck’s face to his shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “You need to calm down.”

“No, what did you do? What did you do, Mads? Why is my leg gone?” Buck asks, eyes moving quickly from his leg over to Maddie and back again.

“It was the only way for you to survive, Evan,” Maddie says cautiously, trying her best to get Buck to understand the situation. “It was either lose your leg or lose your life. And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather you lost your leg.”

“You should’ve just let me  _ die  _ then!” Buck practically shouts, head whipping toward Maddie, his eyes wet with unshed tears. “Firefighting is my  _ life _ , Mads, you  _ know  _ that! How am I supposed to be a firefighter with only one leg? I don’t- did  _ you  _ make this decision?”

“Of course I did, Evan!” Maddie exclaims, perhaps a little indignant. “I’m not about to lose my little brother any time soon!”

“How could you?” Buck asks desperately, tears running down his face now, but he doesn’t seem to notice them nor does he seem to care about them. “What am I supposed to do with myself now? Firefighting is the only thing I’ve ever managed to do  _ right _ . It’s the one thing I’ve ever been good at. What the hell am I supposed to do now that I can’t do that anymore?”

“Evan, stop it,” Maddie murmurs, sniffling and pulling her hand away from Buck’s shoulder to quickly wipe at the tears that have begun to gather in her eyes. “Stop talking like that, okay? Stop that. It breaks my heart to know that you think this way. You are so much more than a firefighter, okay? You are strong, you are brave, you are smart, you’re kind, you’re funny, and you’re one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. Okay? You’re more than just a firefighter. This,” she gestures toward his leg, or lack thereof, “doesn’t change how much I love and respect and care for you. You’re still Buck. You’re still my little brother. There are other important, meaningful things that you can do with your life beyond being a firefighter. Okay?”

Buck doesn’t say anything, just stares at her with his lower lip quivering a little and with unshed tears in his eyes. He sniffles once, and just as Maddie’s about to open her mouth to say something else, what, she isn’t quite sure, the dam is breaking. A broken little sob escapes him as he folds over himself a bit, shoulders shaking violently as he just cries and cries and cries. Maddie feels her heart shattering in her chest, and she leans forward to wrap her arms around Buck, setting her chin on the back of his shoulder. “It’s not  _ fair _ , Mads,” Buck manages to get out through his crying. “What did I ever do to deserve this?”

“Oh, little brother,” Maddie murmurs gently, voice cracking a little. She tilts her head down to press the gentlest of kisses to the back of his shoulder, holding him tightly as he sobs in her arms. “You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve any of this. None of this is fair, Ev. I’m so sorry. If there was anything they could have done to save your leg, I would’ve told them to do it. You know that. I know that. It was either this or let you die, and maybe I’m a little selfish or something, but I don’t want you to die on me. I don’t want to lose my best friend.”

Buck lets out a broken little laugh at that. It’s a little overshadowed by the sobbing and the anguished noises coming out of him, but there is some happiness in it. “I’m sorry for yelling at you,” he says once he manages to calm down enough to be coherent.

“It’s okay,” Maddie murmurs. “I don’t blame you.”

“I’m still sorry,” Buck whispers, sniffling a little.

“I forgive you,” Maddie replies as Buck starts sitting up fully again. Maddie pulls her arms away from him and sits back up, too. She reaches over, gently cups his cheek and forces him to look at her. “It’s gonna be okay, okay? I know this all feels, like… a  _ lot _ . I know you’re probably feeling a little overwhelmed. But it’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna figure all this out. Alright? No matter what happens, though, I’ve still got your back. Got it?”

Buck sniffles again, avoids Maddie’s eyes. “You promise?”

“I promise. I’ve always been here for you, remember?” Maddie replies, grinning a little as she playfully squeezes Buck’s cheeks. It makes her smile triumphantly when it pulls a quiet little laugh out of Buck. “We’ll be okay. Nothing can take the Buckley siblings down, right?”

“Right,” Buck says quietly, sniffles a little before pulling Maddie into his arms. 

Maddie throws her arms right back around him, squeezes him close and pours as much love and affection as possible into it. “Love you, Buckaroo,” she whispers. It’s going to be hard for either of them to get used to all of this, she knows that, but she knows that it’ll be okay in the end, just as long as they’ve got each other.


End file.
